Reflection

So this blog entry is going to be somewhat of a long one. I have encountered a lot of the past couple of months with church, school family, work and so on that you will be able to read later on. Through some of it I remember thinking that God was not there for me but that is quite the contrary. God was always there for me as I went through these joys and struggles. I have been reading this book called The One True Thing by Howard Baker. It is probably one of the books that have transformed my life. I am definitely in the middle of a life transformation right now and although some of it is painful I know that God has his best interest for me. I am treading on really uncertain ground, which is really very scary for me, and it is sometimes hard to really focus on what God has planned for me. I’ve been learning the value of Jesus in my life and after I actually evaluated that, I was shocked. There are so many things that have come in the way of Him in my life and I’ve done nothing to turn it around.

This past week was one of craziness. Now because of the kids at home or anything like that, but because Jesus made himself known in my life. I have never him like I have in the past week. For all the empty New Year’s resolutions that I have made in the past, this one trumps them all. 2009 has already been a struggle but also a great joy. I am making decisions for myself that I’ve been meaning to make for a long time. I have decided that drinking alcohol has absolutely no worth. It is something that I do not need and God has made that evident in my life. I am drinking the things that are good for my health. And that brings up another thing. I’ve had a new year’s resolution, a couple years in a row, to lose a certain amount of weight. Those went out the window. This year is my year to become healthy. I went to the doctor today and things are good to him, but to me it’s not as good as I want it to be. I am misusing the body that God has given me. I’ve been misusing it for a long time and I need to stop it. Would you treat a really awesome gift that you got from your best friend like crap? No, you wouldn’t, because it means to much to you. That is how I feel I’ve been treating myself. It is time for me to make some choices. Not only choices about my physical health but for my spiritual and emotional health as well.

It says in Philippians 3:7-9 “But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.” God will take care of the “things” for me. I do not have to worry about them. What I do have to worry about is the condition of my heart. Jesus will take me, whatever condition it is in.

There is a song that I cannot stop listening to, Hosanna by Kirk Franklin and God’s Property. Some of the words are:

The angels bow down at the thought of you
The darkness gives way to the light of you
The price that you pay gives us life brand new
Hosanna forever we worship you

Letting Go

This song was sent to me by Rebecca. It is so powerful. If you have a chance to listen to it, please do. Here are the words.

Behind your disguise
I see in your eyes
Something has left you wounded
I don't have the answers
TO all of your tears
But you're not abandoned here

He knows where you are
He's been there too
When you can't go on
He'll carry you through
When your losing hope
He's still in control
He's never letting go

So the damage is done
You try to move on
Still you're empty handed
But this isn't your home
I want you to know
You don't walk alone

Of your situation
In the face of the unknown
He's right there
Look deep into your heart
For his reflection and
Don't let go please don't let go

I don't have the answers
To all of your tears
But you're not abandoned here

Sick

I'm not feeling very well today. I'm feeling quite sick today. I don't know if I'll be able to be at Roots tonight which really bugs me because I was looking forward to seeing the girls tonight.

Please pray for me.

Thanks.

Rough...but God always brings me through!

I was at an Ignition meeting last night and was amazing at what we did. We didn't plan anything, hardly talked about stuff connected to Ignition itself, or took any minutes. We spent the evening sharing with each other what God is doing in our lives and how we are feeling...truthfully. One thing that we did at our weekend away was tell each other who we really were. Doing that allowed us to become closer with one another and with God. Knowing that everyone in that group knows what I have gone through makes me feel at home, makes me feel comfortable. I am able to cry in front of them and feel okay to do so.

I had a rough night last night. I didn't know how to say what I was feeling but I just opened my mouth and let it all the words pour out...that's all I could do.

Praying for each other and for the Ignition night is something that is so important at times like this and that is exactly what we did. We were able to pray and lay our hands on each other. I don't know why, but the physical act of laying of the hands is really important to me. It makes me like they are there. I felt worthy, loved, cherished....thank you for praying those words over me Layla.

On the way home, Shannon played a song for me by Jason Morant called Hosanna. We sat in my driveway to listen to the rest of the song. You need to listen to this song. It a very powerful song and I can't help but close my eyes and worship to it! You know the drill. Click the title of this entry to listen to this song. It is to clips of Saving Private Ryan. You don't need to watch the video but instead listen to the song with your eyes closed.

Thanks for reading.

Diva

So I was walking along St. Clair West avenue and I saw the greatest store with the most beautiful dresses in it and I want to own it! Guess what it's called? DIVA! The perfect name for a store and it looked so diva too!

I want to buy all the dresses they have! I found my new favourite store!

Today....WOW!

So, I had a job interview today. Now, this job isn't a permanent one which great because I'm not looking to work here for a long time. Get some extra cash for school and Christmas and things like that. I am going to working for a company that is parntered with Google to sell the ad space on the Google research page. It's strictly commission for now, but as a work I might be able to start with a salary as well. The really awesome thing about this job is the manager said that by just working a couple of hours a day, I may some sweet cash. Thank you Lord for providing this opportunity for me.

As promised, I have a picture of my other fish, Benny, he is a betta as well. I love my fish! Here he is! Isn't he wonderful?

Thanks for reading!

Studying

I'm finding it really hard to stay focused on my studying for school while the strike is on. I'm trying really hard to get things done, but all I can do it procrastinate.

Other than that....I BOUGHT A NEW FISH! It was really exciting. I had one that looked just like about 3 months ago and then the girls I was babysitting killed it by making the water too cold. His name was Rocky. I got another and named it Rocky II. The name fit really well! I love my fish! I'll show you my other one another time!

I have to get back to studying now! Pray that I get this work done please :)

Thanks again for reading!

Things this week

On Thursday, November 6th, I found out that the strike at York had started. I've been at home for the past few days doing some extra studying and pleasure reading. It is so nice to have time to yourself like that, but in a situation like this, it can get a bit tricky! I have a lot of work to do and now I have the time to do it but at the same time, the strike could be harmful to my year at York. If this goes too long then they can tack extra time on at the end of the school year or cut the December break short and I don't want that! I love having a month off in December!

Anyways, other than that, I wrote another song and I'm really excited about this one! I hope you like it!

What Do I have to offer?

(Verse 1)
All my life I’ve been given second chances
Some of those I’ve taken for granted
I feel I’ve taken and I’ve wasted
Everything that I hold dear to my heart
I’ve mistreated

(Pre-chorus)
But now I turn to you and ask these questions,

(Chorus)
What do I have to offer you, my Lord?
Is there something that’s missing?
I need some direction for this life
Cause I don’t know which way to go

(Verse 2)
I’ve lost track of all the times you saved me
And a simple thank just doesn’t seem enough
I’m giving you all I am to you
So take it and use it
Whichever way you need to

My Song

I don't know if I've shared my song with you yet. I wrote this song when I was at the Next> retreat. I didn't know what I was writing it for but I was being nudged to write it at that moment. I started writing and as God started telling the words to write down, I could feel the song starting in my head. My friend Rebecca is helping me to write the actual music part of the song and so far, I've ad goosebumps everytime I've heard it. God has given me words to write down and I can't hold them in any longer. They long to flow out of me because of the amazing power of God that washed over me so many times. Within the past couple of weeks, my feelings have been hurt by something that had happened, but I had to do something in order for this to be resolved. I confronted the problem and God completely healed the situation. I am so thankful for the the way He handled it! Here are the words to my song. I hope you are encouraged! Thanks for reading!

I Wait For You

Chorus
I wait for you
To lift me up in my need
I wait for you
To hold me close to your heart
I wait for you
For your healing power
I wait for you

Verse 1
As I listen to the clock
Ticking louder than before
I wonder where all the time has gone
The time I would sit and wait
Wait to hear your voice

Chorus

Verse 2
When I look back in life
And see where you hand has been
I can hardly believe the times
All the times you showed your glory
I can’t wait to see Your glory again

Chorus

Bridge
From the ends of the earth
I call to you
My heart grows faint
Lead me to the rock
That is higher than I

Chorus
End

Answers

If you think that when you pray and get an answer that is not what you expected, don't get all angry. It is a good thing. I recently just experienced this. When I say recently, I mean on Tuesday evening. Although the outcome is obviously not what I wanted to hear, I still took it and God is helping me through that. The situation was a little tricky and I had asked God for clarity and understanding. I had been praying that for a couple weeks and then as I was sitting down talking to Layla, I realized God had just spoken to me. He tends to use really close friends to prove his point to me. I just don't look close enough to realize it all the time.

I found this one especially hard, but one thing I know is that God has my life planned out and I don't need to worry about what's coming up next because God will equip me with the tools I need to deal with them.

Relationships

I am realizing that when I WANT something, God will take his precious time. Do you know how painful it is to wait?? The key word over the past few weeks has been WAIT. It has come up over and over and over again. At the Next> retreat I wrote a song called I Wait For You. I've been talking to some friends about "someone" and the connection between all of them is the word WAIT. AHHHHHH!!! The song that is linked to this entry is helping me to do just that. Wait. God makes that decision as to when he will bless with that relationship. If I follow hard after Him now, he bless in ways that I have never experienced before. Sometimes I've felt like I'm not being given anything by God because of the attitude I have towards certain things, but this is not true. He has been so faithful to me. He has revealed things to me that make me so excited I just want to fall to my knees in thanks!

On the topic of relationships, God is really challenging me there. I need to love him fully FIRST, before anyone else. Only then will place someone in my life.

Thanks for reading. Listen to the song linked. Click on the title Relationships to hear it. I hope you are encouraged by it as much as I am.

Following

Over the past few weeks there has been a lot in my life that I've had to do. Take my nephew to school, go to school, do A LOT of homework! I'm really enjoying it, but when you add in the little things like relationships and family and stuff. My emotions have been tugged around but all through that I've been told to "Follow my voice." Now who do you think has told me that? I've really appreciated hearing God's affirmation in my life. It's been wonderful!

Earth's Cry - Alaine

Round and round and back and forth we go
Arguing above the lands of our great fathers gone before
Sewing seeds of deception and all we reap is war
Tearing down our brothers fighting in the name of the lord
While we kill each other

I... I... I... I'm breaking down theses walls
That only divide and separate us
Why can't you hear the earth's cry

One by one we watch them falling down
As we join our hearts in love together turn it all around
Rise above corruption, hate, destruction,
End this fear and greed
Movin forward in a spirit
A spirit of peace and unity

Oh, I... I... I... I'm breaking down these walls
That only divide and separate us
Why can't you hear the Earth's cry

Brothers, sisters realize
Jah has blessed us all with choice
What will you do, what will you choose
If you refuse to live the right
What will be you alibi
On that day when we stand
Before the Most High

I'm breaking down these walls
That only divide and separate
Why can't you hear
Can't you hear
Ohhhhhh
I'm breaking down these walls
These walls that only divide and separate us
Why can't you hear the earth's cry
Earth's crying out
Earth is crying out
Ohhh
Crying out
Yeaaa
Can't you hear
Ohhhhh can't you hear
Earth cry

Some are open....others are closed

Have you ever been handed an opportunity that you were really excited about but God has told you no? I am in that situation right now. About 2 weeks ago, my conductor at York offered a really awesome trip idea to me. She said I would have to audition for it, but she was sure that I would get in. Well, this trip is to Mexico. Beautiful Mexico. I would be singing in a music festival with potential solos being handed out. the piece of music being sung is Handel's Messiah. An amazing work. I originally thought that God was allowing me to use these opportunities, but he has brought a better one up in front of my eyes. When I thought that one trip would be enough, God gives me something else to look at. I have the opportunity to audition for the Nathaniel Dett Chorale. One of the greatest Afrocentric groups in the Canada. I also have the opportunity to join with the Toronto Mass Choir. A lot of praying has to go into this one!

Keep me in mind and pray that I make the right decision.

Lifeline

I have this sinking feeling
Something's weighing me down
I am completely saturated
The waves are crashing closer
My feet already drowned
Doing the thing I said I hated

They've been swimming in the wrong water
Now they're pulling me down
But I am clinging to you, never letting go
'Cos I know that you'll lift me out

[Chorus]
Have your way here
Keep me afloat 'cos I know I'll sink without you
Take this ocean of pain that is mine
Throw me a lifeline

Wake up feeling convicted
I know something's not right
Re-acquaint my knees with the carpet
I have to get this out
'Cos it's obstructing you and I
Dry up the seas that keep us parted

'Cos they've been swimming in the wrong waters
And now they're pulling me down
But I am clinging to you, never letting go
'Cos I know that you are gonna pull me out

[Chorus]

They've been swimming in the wrong waters
And now they're pulling me down
But I am clinging to you, never letting go
'Cos I know, 'cos I know

[Chorus]

Learning is sometimes hard...who knew?

I love the fact that I'm in school but I forgot the amount of work and time management it takes to keep it up. It is only by the will of God that I am doing well right now. God has placed me back in school and he is going to lead through to the end this time. I am so amazing at the path that he has chosen for me to be on. Learning has never come easy to me and the fact that I'm already doing well is God's doing. What an awesome opportunity he has me in. I have just organized myself for school. I put tabs in my binder, clipping certain things together, and it's all coming together right now. I pray that God will bless on my learning path and I can't wait to see where he takes me!

School and Stuff

There is so much that I should be thankful for. I love school! That is one of them! From the second I stepped back onto campus, I knew that I was in the right place. I have had a sense of peace every time I walk into the Student Centre. I love being here and know this is where God wants me to be. He made it possible for me to come back and finish my degree. I'm learning to follow the voice of God and his leading in my life. It was a rough weekend for me in some respect but it was also really good to be freed from a lot of things too!

Thank you God that I am in school and that I have a chance to experience what you have for me!

Rescued From Vicious Attack

As the weekend was approaching I was getting really excited! We, the Ignition Leadership Team had a retreat in July and that was full of just planning. Making sure that what we were doing was for God and not what we thought Ignition should be. That was in July. Now is September. We felt like we needed a getaway to find out more about each other and bond a bit more. Layla came and picked me up and we went grocery shopping. Go grocery shopping with Layla. She can push a cart really well! Kevin got us a sick car for the ride. A Chevy Suburban. It was so amazing! The drive was so good! We went out for Thai food and gelato at La Paloma! SO GOOD! When we arrived at the cottage we just settled in as much as we could and hung out. Waking up on Saturday was interesting. From the second I woke up, my spirit didn't feel right. I had a really heavy heart in the morning and didn't know what the cause was. I had a strong urge to cry. I have a feeling I must have had some sort of weird dream but I can't remember it. I decided to leave it alone and go make breakfast for everyone. The morning and afternoon were great! We went swimming in the freezing, cold lake and in the sauna. (We're at the Watsons cottage by the way. So Beautiful!) Lounging was so great! There was nothing but amazing nature around us that it was so hard to ignore the outside. I had a great nap on Saturday afternoon. Around 5pm on Saturday afternoon, it felt like someone was grabbing my heart and squeezing the life out of it. Not physically, but spiritually. I went outside to talk to Layla. I shared with her how I was feeling and we screamed out loud to get rid of pent up energy, good and bad. I felt as though I was being attacked in my spirit. Like I was trying to fight something but wasn't winning. I felt defeated and tired but the attacks kept coming. I felt my body fold in on itself. I felt as though I was a little child hiding from something. Even when I was outside I felt as though I was being stifled. I had no space. My heart was hurting so much. Layla started to pray for me. She prayed that I would have grace for myself. I went to bed that night a bit calm in my heart. the next day (Sunday) we got together as a group and shared something about ourselves that the others didn't know. Not silly things, but characteristics that were not noticable if not said. After that, is when I felt free.

Deuteronomy and Mark

I have really enjoyed reading these books. Reading some from the Old and New Testament is really amazing! I get some of everything. I am praying that God will strengthen my mind so I can hold his word in my mind but also on my heart.

New Opportunity

Over the past couple of months there has been a lot of awesome God moments.

This past year at Roots has been a good one and a bad one, although God has turned the bad to learning experiences. At the beginning of the year, I didn't think that I was a right fit for the group that I was leading Jenna. As the year went on, I realized how much in common I had with these girls. Not only was I teaching them, they were teaching me too! There were a couple of small groups where Jenna and I were really full of happiness or empty and needing to talk about it. I was in the right place this year. I thank God for the OPPORTUNITY he gave to be a part of these girls lives. I have been so blessed by them.

Another really big moment that God shared with me was with my friend, Andrea. She had come over to my house on the long weekend Monday in August and we made some cookies and yummy foods and talked. There is something I like to do before going to bed. I make a list of what needs to be done the next day. So I started making this list. It seemed really good, so I went to bed. When we woke up the next morning, Andrea started to ask me what my plans were for school. I told her that even if I wanted to apply for school it would be too late. She refused to take that answer and persuaded me to go on the York University website. I started searching the list of Bachelor of Arts degrees to see what I was interested in. One by one they started to get crossed off the list and I was left with Children's Studies. I started looking around on the website and making phone calls to see what I needed to do to finish the process and it turned out that all I needed to do was fax a reactivation form to York because they had all of my information still. I am now going to attend York University and hopefully take the consecutive Education program after I'm done my degree. What an OPPORTUNITY! God is so good to me! I would've never thought that I would be going to school in the fall, but God had different plans for me.

Now the next thing is to trust him with what I need. I don't know where the money for tuition or books is coming from. I'm applying for OSAP, but it will be God who will allow the approved stamp to hit the paper. I need to trust that God will take care of my every need be it physical, spiritual, financial. He will be there for me if I believe he will take care of me. Amen?

And all of God's people said AMEN!